Thursday, April 1, 2010

On Uncertainty...and Trusting Yourself

[Originally posted on March 29th 2010]

My Monday post, for you my loyal listeners, is going to be a little more nostalgic and a little less…well…”fashion savvy gender fuck”.

Perhaps, this came about in response to reading JP’s most recent blog (, that very eloquently presented a study of human growth, change, and personal style. Bravo JP.

So for my particular Monday thought, I give to you this video, enjoy:

Recorded the summer before my senior year of college by my favorite British Babe and Longtime Lover (!), it is just a brief document of your Boy at Sea almost 2 years ago. (Do I have the time line right here Brit?). And I know what you’re thinking…”whoa there BaS, 2 years isn’t that long ago, you’ve made quite the change, haven’t you?” And indeed I have, there has been some serious alterations made to this gender-non-conforming, male-biased, queer. Namely the embracing of a denied gender, a denied life. And while I feel like the better, stronger, truer, more honest version of myself than I have in my entire life…that’s right folks…Version 2.0…it is still somewhat shocking to see the changes. Watch the video again, if I can persuade you to…this time, stop laughing for a moment, at the dumb schmuck that I am, and notice instead…the differences, the similarities. How well do you know me now? How well did you know me then? At all?

For me, this video, is fascinating, and painful, and sad, and hilarious. I see myself in that brief picture. Sure. I am making the same dumb jokes, laughing in the same unbridled guffaw of a laugh that I have, and my mannerisms are the same. And Silas, I am driving Silas (if you know, you know, if not..than don’t mourn what you never met). But the differences are intense. And not just the physical changes, although they are significant - the hair, the clothes, the chest - but at least for me, there is an entire alteration in the aura of that person. And perhaps I will be the only one who can see this. But what there is now, that I know for a fact was not surrounding the person in that video, is a sense of calm and acceptance, understanding and comfort in body and mind that certainly only became a part of my life over the past year and half.

In that video, I was on my way there…I was fast approaching it. The time for me to metamorphasize (yeah, it’s not a real word, I know) into a more suitable skin was upon me and I didn’t even know it. Not in the video, not yet. But I would, very soon.

I suppose the reason for this post, is a reflective one, for myself. To have a moment of sadness. A goodbye, to the person I was then. And also a greeting to the person I am now. And for that matter, a solid acceptance of what I will never be able to change - my dumb jokes, my guffaw, my deep and unreal love for my friends, my excitement for life. And I guess, finally, a hope that the person who I am now is true, and real, and not a fraud. I don’t feel like a fraud. I feel powerful, and terrified, and ready. And only time will tell.

And so to you my faithful followers, thank you for letting me indulge for a moment. If this has inspired you to revisit yourself 2, 3, or 30 years ago, fabulous! If it left you heading for the hills, that’s an appropriate response too. Either way, I’ll try to bring you something gender-bending, fashionable, and quirky for Wednesday. Have no fear!

And happy Monday, all.

No comments:

Post a Comment